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Grandma, can you forgive me?

2011-08-08 Source:Kaiwind Author:By Zhang Lin


This year is already the tenth anniversary of the death of my grandmother, but very often in my dreams I still hear her calling with tears in her eyes: "My girl, come back!"

My name is Zhang Lin, 39 years old, living at the Exhibition Road in Beijing. Since my parents worked outside of Beijing, I was brought up by my grandmother and she was the dearest to me in this world. However, after getting obsessed with Falun Gong, I rashly abandoned my job, deeply hurt my husband, and eventually caused my dearest grandma to die in misery. Now, recalling the past I can hardly bear to look back, and I am still feeling the stinging pain.

Through all the years of my growing up, I had always been the apple of Grandma's eyes. At that time, Grandma and I lived tough, and she spared no effort to improve my nutrition supplement. During Chinese Lunar New Year or other holidays, our relatives always came to visit us carrying with them apples, malted milk or other gifts. Grandma never had one bite but gave everything to me. Every summer night, Grandma sat on the edge of my bed waving a bamboo fan to drive mosquitoes away, while I fell asleep in the breeze. Sometime I woke up and saw Grandma still waving the fan with sweat pouring down her face. Although Mom and Dad were not around me, I grew up happily under Grandma's care.

Later, after I was admitted to the university, Grandma was indescribably happy and praised me before everyone she met: "What a good and promising girl my granddaughter is!" Whenever I came back home from school, Grandma would show off the gifts I bought her to everyone who stopped by our house, and keep saying, "My granddaughter bought me all these. What a filial girl!" and so forth. The old lady neighbors were green with envy.

However, the good times did not last long. In August 1995, soon after I graduated from the university and started working, I happened to see a book titled Zhuan Falun from a classmate who recommended it as "mysterious". That aroused my interest and I borrowed it home for reading. Gradually I was attracted by its doctrines such as "Truthfulness, Compassion and Tolerance", "cultivating to higher levels" and "reaching Consummation" and so on, and it seemed that I had found in this book the true meaning of life.

I learned Falun Gong in an earnest manner and moreover I bought a lot of tapes and began to practice meditation. In this way I bogged down, unable to extricate myself out. And gradually I lost the interest of chatting with grandmother, and refused to take a walk with her. Whenever I was free, I just memorized Zhuan Falun behind the closed door. When it's time for meal, Grandma always called me several times before I came out. Sometimes, after long time waiting, Grandma had to eat cold meal together with me. I couldn't bear this, and told her not to wait for me, but Grandma said with a smile: "It doesn't matter. Grandma wants to eat with my baby girl together!" I knew Grandma wanted to talk with me during the meal time, but I just pretended to be unconscious of that, devoured a few mouthfuls and then rushed back to my room for fear of delays in the practice. At that time I was totally obsessed with the idea of "cultivating to reach Consummation."

My obsession with Falun Gong worried Grandma a lot. In order to divert my attention, Grandma began urging me to marry my boyfriend whom I loved for years. Whenever having a chance, Grandma would rattle on about someone's granddaughter having got married or, someone having got a grandchild. But all I thought about was practicing Falun Gong and I kept in my mind what the Master had told us, that is, if one wanted to succeed in "true cultivation", one must "discard human attachments", of course including "letting go of affection", so I had no intention of getting married at all. But Grandma took a strong stand on this, and aroused the whole family to persuade me. I was insensitive to whatever they said, and Grandma started to cry sadly: "My girl, Grandma's greatest wish is to see my good granddaughter getting married and living a better life, otherwise Grandma would die with everlasting regret!"

Hearing what Grandma had said, I couldn't bear to let her down and reluctantly got married in May 1998. And that set Grandma's mind at rest for a while. She thought I got married and a family might bring my mind back. She never knew that on the first day of marriage, I said to my husband: "It is for the sake of Grandma that I marry you. You must not interfere with whatever I do in the future." He just smiled at me without saying a word.

After getting married, my husband took care of me with tender love and sided with me in doing everything except practicing Falun Gong. He strongly opposed it. As he constantly discouraged me on my cultivation, I grumbled complaints at him from time to time and even threatened to divorce him.

In July 1999, Falun Gong was banned by the Government. Both Grandma and my husband felt extremely worried about me and they earnestly urged me to give up practicing, but I was totally obsessed by the cult, turning a deaf ear to whatever they said. Grandma often took my hand, sobbing out her heart: "Good girl, be obedient! Abandon it." Every time I saw Grandma like this, I felt very sad, but on thought of Li Hongzhi's statements of "letting go of affection," "discarding attachments", "passing the test of affections" and "one person's practicing will benefit the whole family", I felt justified: "My cultivation will also benefit Grandma in the end. If I get into higher levels and reach Consummation, I can take Grandma to Paradise, so that we can always be together." In consequence I closed my ears to her persuasion, still concentrated on practicing Falun Gong.

To reach a "higher level" and "Consummate" as soon as possible, in September 2000, I quitted my job, and concentrated on practicing at home every day. On hearing that, Grandma was angry and anxious. For the first time in my life, she denounced me loudly, and I was stunned by her unusual behavior. Immediately it occurred to me that she was under control of what Li Hongzhi had called "the demon", so I decided to remove her "demon nature" and fiercely argued with her. My husband pulled me into bedroom and shouted at me: "Are you crazy? How can you behave like this?" Li Hongzhi's words of "suffocating the evil and eradicating the demons" ran through my mind and I like mad seized everything at hand and smashed them to him, keeping calling him a hypocrite, a villain without ambition. I couldn't refrain from carrying away and I grabbed the VCD of our wedding ceremony and destroyed it, because I thought these "material things" interfered with my practice and were "demons" that had fostered my emotions. My husband looked at me in silence and didn't say a word the whole night. After this burst of rage, I slumped on the ground like a deflated balloon, wondering why I behaved this way like a shrew. Grandma shed tears silently in her own room. Looking back now, I knew how heartbroken Grandma and my husband had been.

Since then, there was no laughter in the family as before. Grandma spent her days in tears, and both her health and spirit were not what they once had been. I knew that Grandma was worried about me, but I did not give any care to her or comfort her, trying so hard to reach "a higher level". Later, Li Hongzhi issued such scriptures as Towards Consummation and Eliminate Your Last Attachment and so on asking us "to go out with courage" and to go to "the final Consummation". After reading these scriptures, I was convinced that Consummation was just around the corner and I decided to use my own way to "protect the Fa".

March 3, 2001, I will always remember this day which left me life-long regret. On that day I secretly bought some red silk and made banners at home, planning to go to Tiananmen Square. Grandma seemed to scent something dangerous, and as I was about to leave home, she stopped me. Looking at me with sadness, Grandma said: "Girl, do not be foolish!" I did not dare look at her into her eyes and stammered: "I just want to take a walk. Leave me alone!" With these words, I ran out of the house. Grandma shouted anxiously behind me: "Girl, come back!" But I ran faster and faster, and never slowing down until Grandma's voice trailed away. However, it turned out to be my grandmother's last word with me!

In fear and trembling, I came to Tiananmen Square and hovered around there for three or four hours. On the square, there were people flying kites, men and women, old and young, each wearing happy smile on the face. On the contrary I was like a thief and didn't dare to look at people in the eye. I still deemed this a test on me by Dafa, and mustered up all my courage to put the banner on a tree outside the square before making a quick getaway. I felt very proud on my way back. Nobody discovered what I had done at all! I thought it must be the Master that was protecting me. Longing for the Consummation, I bought Grandma her favorite snacks on my way home and thought if Grandma knew I was going to reach Consummation with her, she would not blame me or be angry with me anymore.

Unexpectedly, just as I got back home, a neighbor hurriedly came to me: "Your grandmother is in hospital. She just had a fall and is in a critical condition now. Go there to have a look!" On hearing this, I felt as if a pot of ice water pouring down from the head and began to shake. Regardless of snacks scattered on the ground, I ran madly to the hospital. I repeatedly told myself all the way: "No! Grandma will be fine! I am a Dafa disciple, and the Master will bless my grandmother!" But when I arrived, Grandma laid there quietly, her face covered with a white sheet.
I was stunned, standing still and blankly. My husband told me my grandmother had gone, but I could not believe it, I really could not believe it. Grandma had always been enjoying a good health. How could she leave me like this? My husband told me that Grandma chased me in a hurry and stumbled, which induced acute cerebral vascular breaking and finally led to a sudden death. I threw myself to grandmother and burst out crying.

Why? How could this happen? Is this my reward for practicing Falun Gong? Where had the Master's Fashens gone? Now, at the very thought of Grandma, a sense of guilt constantly gnawed my heart. If I could rewind the time and get a chance, I would ask my beloved Grandma in person: Grandma, can you forgive me?

(Kainwind.com, Mar. 3, 2011)